While based in Cannes, working on a privately owned luxury yacht, I was asked by the Captain of another yacht if I would help him bring his yacht back from San Remo, just over the French border in Italy. His own crew were all on leave and he desperately needed someone to assist. As it was to be my day off and it sounded like hard work, I was reluctant to help, but I also realised that if I said no he would be hard pushed to find anyone else so I agreed.
The Captain and I set off at dawn on the designated day and took the train to San Remo. We sailed back to Cannes in perfect weather conditions and I had nothing to do except sit back and enjoy the trip. On arrival in Cannes I was well paid for my time and still had some of my day off to enjoy. It turned out to be the easiest day’s work I have ever done!
The lesson here is that when you have the chance to do something for someone else, with no expectation of reward, seize the opportunity. One can never anticipate the good fortune that can come out of an act of goodwill.
This article is one of a three-part series on Transactional Analysis. It follows on from the articles “Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks we Wear)” and “Transactional Analysis – Part II (The Games we Play)”. This article (Part III), is an outline of two more of the key concepts in Transactional Analysis – Life Positions and Life Scripts.
Based on decisions made in infancy, we assume one of four basic psychological life positions, which to a large extent determines our pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving. The challenge is to become aware of our life position and if necessary, create a healthy alternative.
The four life positions were developed by Frank Ernst into the well-known OK Corral shown in this poster.
Read Transactional Analysis – Part III (The Scripts We Follow) for details of the four life positions.
While travelling in Córdoba, Spain, I visited the Great Mosque of Córdoba. It is a beautiful and fascinating building that symbolizes the many religious changes Córdoba has undergone over the centuries. Today, the Mezquita is the Cathedral of Córdoba, but the vast majority of its art and architecture is the work of Islamic architects, who built it as a mosque in the 8th century. . The shell-shaped ceiling of the magnificent Mihrab is carved from a single block of marble and the chambers on either side are decorated with exquisite Byzantine mosaics of gold. The worn flagstones indicate where pilgrims crouched on their knees.
I wanted a sense of the visual perspective which the pilgrims had, and so I knelt down on the floor to view the Mihrab. Within seconds I had two security guards bearing down on me shouting and gesticulating that I must immediately stand up. Little did I know that since the early 2000s Spanish Muslims have lobbied the Roman Catholic Church to allow them to pray in the cathedral, only to be rejected on multiple occasions. My innocent action appeared to be a challenge/protest and the guards were not having it!
The lesson here is to be aware that simple, innocent actions can be deeply offensive to others. It is important to be aware of rules, customs and etiquette when visiting unfamiliar places.
While working on privately owned luxury yachts, I had the privilege of having an evening’s leave on the Island of Elba, Tuscany. While strolling around the shops and cafés of the quaint, bustling harbour some brightly coloured, fabric shoulder bags really caught my eye, but I decided not to buy one as they were quite expensive. Getting back to my yacht I regretted that decision and so the next morning I asked if I could have thirty minutes to go onshore to buy the bag. Having already had my allocated leave the chief stewardess was unwilling to let me have more time off and it took much persuasion and the promise of working the half hour plus an extra hour to pay off the favour, before she agreed. I ran all the way to the shop, purchased my bag and ran all the way back. I had taken only eight minutes, but I still put in the hour and a half I had promised. I was rewarded with the trust of the chief stewardess - she had not expected me to keep my word! This trust earned me future privileges.
The lesson here is simple, exercise your privilege to go the extra mile, and you will be rewarded.
This article is one of a three-part series on Transactional Analysis. This article follows on from the article "Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks we Wear)" and comes before Transactional Analysis - Part III (The Scripts we Follow). What follows in this article (Part II) is an outline of two more key concepts in Transactional Analysis – Strokes and Games.
This article is one of a three-part series on Transactional Analysis. It is followed by the articles “Transactional Analysis – Part II (The Games we Play)” and Transactional Analysis - Part III (The Scripts we Follow).
Transactional Analysis (or TA as it is often called) is an interpersonal relations approach developed during the 1960s by Dr Eric Berne. It is underpinned by the philosophy that:
Transactional Analysis is based on two notions: That we have three sides or 'ego-states' to our 'personality (Parent, Adult and Child), and that these ego states converse with one another in 'transactions' both internally and externally with other people (hence the name).
When I visited Rome, in Italy, I expected to see a beautiful city – after all Italy is known for its beautiful architecture, art, clothes and people. What I did not expect was to be made to feel beautiful. But that’s what happened. Everywhere I went the Italian men would call out a compliment, or whistle, as they sped past on their motor scooters. Although I was under no illusions – they did the same to all the women – I loved it and felt like the most beautiful woman in the world!
I was staying in a backpackers lodge at the time and one evening an American girl came in angrily complaining about the Italian men and how they were “awful and always trying to come on to you!” I tried to explain that it was just the Italian way and absolutely no harm or offence was meant, but she was having none of it. While I had a wonderful time in Italy, she must have had a miserable time.
The lesson here is it worth learning how to accept a compliment graciously. Not only does it give you a real boost, it also inspires the giver to continue giving compliments – and the world would certainly be a better place if we were more complimentary to each other.
While travelling in Italy I visited the magnificent St Peter’s Basilica located in the Vatican City. Inside is a larger-than-life bronze statue of St. Peter — his right hand extended to confer a blessing, while his left hand clutches the keys of the Kingdom. The statue is mounted on a tall alabaster pedestal, so that the feet are at eye-level. In medieval times pilgrims would fervently kiss or at least rub the right foot, which was extended forward from the pedestal, at the same time offering a prayer to St. Peter to be merciful and open the heavenly gates for them, if they should die while on the pilgrimage. Over the years the bronze toes have been worn smooth.
While watching the people, I was fascinated to see that almost every one of them reached out to rub the foot. Although most of the tourists were neither Catholic nor pilgrims, they still ‘followed the crowd’.
The lesson I learnt is that following the crowd is a survival instinct. Across the generations, people have learned that survival depends on banding together and working as a group. There is safety in numbers. All humans have inherited this legacy and it is shown in the security we feel when we ‘follow the crowd’.
While travelling in Spain I visited the popular Balcon De Europa, which literally means ‘Balcony of Europe’. Located in the centre of Nerja's historic part of town, a tree lined promenade called the Paseo Balcon de Europa takes you to the balcon – a semi-circular viewpoint jutting out to the sea with breath-taking views of the Mediterranean Sea, Sierra Almijara mountain range and the local beaches.
While the views are indeed magnificent, it was not the views that caught my attention, but the people – meeting, greeting, walking, talking and sitting together! It is without doubt the town’s meeting place and nearby you can find all sorts of cafés, bars, restaurants, ice-cream shops and hotels. It is a favourite spot with both locals and visitors alike and becomes very crowded.
The lesson learned (or perhaps just reinforced on this occasion) is that human beings are innately social. We need to feel love and acceptance from social groups. We are drawn to each other and the psychobiological drive to belong is entrenched. Being left out or ostracised is extremely hurtful. Contrary to popular belief, solitary confinement and not the death penalty is the worst possible punishment.
