Being assertive means respecting yourself and other people. It is the ability to clearly express your thoughts and feelings through open, honest and direct communication.
Becoming more assertive does not mean that you will always get what you want - but, it can help you achieve a compromise. And even if you don't get the outcome you want, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the situation well, and that there are no ill feelings between you and the other person or people involved in the discussion.
Communicating assertively is not a skill reserved for the very few – anyone can do it - but, it does take time and practice if it is not how you are used to communicating. Fortunately, it is a technique you can practice and master at home in your own time – either by yourself or with a friend you can trust to give you honest feedback. Remember to also think about how the person you are talking to may react and how best you might cope with this.
Before deciding that you would like to communicate assertively, you need to have an understanding of what your usual style of communication is. There are five communication styles, and while many of us may use different styles in different situations, most will fall back on one particular style, which we use as our 'default' style.
The Five Communication Styles
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Assertive
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Aggressive
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Passive-aggressive
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Submissive
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Manipulative
Different sorts of behaviour and language are characteristic of each.
The Assertive Style
Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. It is the healthiest and most effective style of communication - the sweet spot between being too aggressive and too passive. When we are assertive, we have the confidence to communicate without resorting to games or manipulation. We know our limits and don't allow ourselves to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, however, Assertive is the style most people use least.
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Behavioural Characteristics
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Non-Verbal Behaviour
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Language
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People on the Receiving end Feel
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The Aggressive Style
This style is about winning – often at someone else's expense. An aggressive person behaves as if their needs are the most important, as though they have more rights, and have more to contribute than other people. It is an ineffective communication style as the content of the message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to the way it's delivered.
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Behavioural Characteristics
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Non-Verbal Behaviour
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Language
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People on the Receiving end Feel
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The Passive-Aggressive Style
This is a style in which people appear passive on the surface, but are actually acting out their anger in indirect or behind-the-scenes ways. Prisoners of War often act in passive-aggressive ways in order to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. People who behave in this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments – even if this ends up sabotaging themselves. The expression "Cut off your nose to spite your face" is a perfect description of passive-aggressive behaviour.
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Behavioural Characteristics
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Non-Verbal Behaviour
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Language
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People on the Receiving end Feel
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The Submissive Style
This style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict. A submissive person behaves as if other peoples' needs are more important, and other people have more rights and more to contribute.
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Behavioural Characteristics
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Non-Verbal Behaviour
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Language
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People on the Receiving end Feel
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The Manipulative Style
This style is scheming, calculating and shrewd. Manipulative communicators are skilled at influencing or controlling others to their own advantage. Their spoken words hide an underlying message, of which the other person may be totally unaware.
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Behavioural Characteristics
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Non-Verbal Behaviour
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Language
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People on the Receiving end Feel
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Source: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. 2nd edition. Edmund J Bourne. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 1995.
The Benefits of Understanding the Different Styles of Communication
A good understanding of the five basic styles of communication will help you learn how to react most effectively when confronted with a difficult person. It will also help you recognise when you are not being assertive or not behaving in the most effective way. Remember, you always have a choice as to which communication style you use. Being assertive is usually the most effective, but other styles are, of course, necessary in certain situations – such as being submissive when under physical threat (a mugging, hijacking etc.).
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Once you understand your own communication style, it is much easier to identify any shortcomings or areas which can be improved on, if you want to start communicating in a more assertive manner.
If you're serious about strengthening your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and decreasing unnecessary anxiety in your life, practice being more assertive. It will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build better relationships both personally and professionally.
Remember the first rule of effective communication: The success of the communication is the responsibility of the communicator.
This article was published on my website in July 2011.