Learning how to converse well and easily with others gives people more confidence when handling both business and social events. Mastering this skill - either one-on-one or conversations in small groups - is thus an important life skill.
In this talk, I cover the fundamentals of what it really means to be a good conversationalist, how to make effective introductions in order to ease the way for others, and (for emergencies) how to escape from the boring individual who insists on dominating your attention. We also touch on non-verbal (body) language.
YOU-Q is a concept that I have developed out of my experiences as a practicing psychologist, as well as my travels around the world. YOU-Q is about living life to its full potential and finding your Inner Winner.
While it encapsulates emotional, spiritual and intellectual intelligence, YOU-Q is also so much more. It is about Getting Real – the importance of knowing and staying true to your value, purpose and vision. It’s about Changing Your Head Talk – how to silence the unhelpful messages we give ourselves and change our negative self-beliefs. And it’s about learning how to Relate well to others.
Have you ever looked enviously at someone who has presence - that enigmatic, 'can’t-quite-put-your-finger-on-it' quality - and wished you could have it too? Have you ever wondered why people just don’t respond well to you? Are you having trouble getting your message across?
Perhaps the answer lies more with how you’re saying something, than what you’re actually saying.
This talk will help you be more aware of the message you’re actually giving beyond the words you’re saying, and show you how to use your voice and body language to appear confident and have presence.
This refers to the way in which you relate to others. By learning essential communication and interpersonal skills, you will radically enhance your relationships with others.
To help you do this you can:
One of the cities I visited during my 9-month working holiday in the United States was Washington DC. And of course, when you’re in Washington, you have to visit The White House. Naturally, it is a huge tourist attraction and when I got there, there were queues and queues of people waiting to go in. Big, muscular security guards were admitting people in groups of about 25 at a time. I had limited time in the city and didn’t want to spend what I estimated would be at least 2 hours in a queue. I decided that as I was on my own, it might not be too difficult to slot into a group much further up the line. I approached one of the guards, explained my situation and asked him if I could join the group that was going in next. And he said yes! He could easily have turned me away and told me to wait my turn, but instead he showed understanding and simple human kindness. It is a gesture I still remember today, 22 years later.
The life lesson learnt here is that sometimes, a seemingly small and insignificant act or gesture can make a huge difference in someone’s life. We should all practice random acts of kindness every day.
One year, after spending the winter ski season working at an exclusive resort in Denver, I decided to use my earnings to see as much of America as I could before returning home to SA.
One of the many places I visited was the Zion National Park – the oldest National Park in Utah, and known for its incredible canyons. I joined a Green Tortoise Adventure Bus Tour, a budget, backpacker-type organisation that arranges trips to many of America’s most famous national parks. The costs of the trip are kept low by, among others, getting the people taking the tour to muck in with some of the chores – preparing meals being one of them.
One day, I was helping one of the other girls make a fruit salad. We were chopping pineapple and, because I love the hard core of the fruit, I put it into the salad. The other girl, however, was throwing it away. I was horrified that she was chucking it out, and she – because she never ate the hard core - was equally horrified that I was putting it in!
There are actually two lessons here. The first one is that even people who like doing the same thing (exploring America’s Parks) in the same way (on a low-cost backpacker bus), will not always like doing everything in the same way. We are all so different and we all believe that our way is the best way (otherwise, why would we do it?). Tolerance and compromise are key.
The second lesson is almost a corollary of the first. Just because you have always done something in a certain way doesn’t mean someone else may not have worked out a better – or a different but equal – way to do it. We can all learn from each other.
During my working holiday in the United States, I had the opportunity to visit the world famous Niagara Falls. These falls (made up of the Horseshoe, Bridal and American Falls) form the international border between the Canadian Province of Ontario, and the US state of New York. They have the highest flow rate of any waterfalls in the world, and have a vertical drop of over 50 metres.
Despite their immense size, the falls – when observed from a distance – appear quiet, serene and peaceful. It’s only when you don the mandatory blue raincoat, step on board one of the Maid of the Misttourist boats, and venture into the dense spray inside the curve of the Horseshoe Falls that you truly become aware of their size and force. The noise of the water is deafening, and you can’t help but be a little awed by the sight, sound and sheer power of almost 2000 cubic metres of water per second as it crashes down into the pools in front of you.
The life lesson here is that we should never underestimate the power of a person. From a distance (either physical or emotional), they may seem unimpressive and unremarkable. It is only when we venture closer that we are truly able to appreciate their strength.
While working on a yacht in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, I met and befriended a young South African couple. They invited me to join them on an overland trip into Kenya to the Serengeti National Park to watch the famous wildebeest migration. It was awe-inspiring – open plains filled with wildebeest, antelope and zebra as far as the eye could see, and of course all the predators. I saw lion and cheetah, with many vultures and hyena cleaning up the carcasses left behind after a kill.
On this particular day, I watched three male lions as they ran towards the massive herds of animals grazing on the plains. Two of the lions were young and in their prime, but the third was clearly much older. As they ran, the older lion grew tired and slowed down. One of the young lions ran on ahead, soon leaving him behind.
The behaviour of the other young lion, was, however, markedly different. As if realising the plight of the older lion, he also slowed down, frequently stopping altogether to look back. It was as if he was encouraging him not to give up, to keep going.
I was very touched by what I saw. I realised that there are indeed times when even the King of Beasts needs encouragement.
The life lesson here is that we should never be too busy with our own purpose to look back at those who may be slower than ourselves, and encourage them to keep going. Let us never walk so tall that we cannot stoop to help those who have fallen.
I recently had the chance to travel to Maputo in Mozambique. I was there on business, but was also able to spend a little time exploring some of the city. One afternoon, I ended up in the market, walking though the different stalls, and chatting briefly with the traders. They were all friendly, but were obviously eager to sell me something – anything – and were not too subtle in the way they went about it! Quite often, such dogged persistence has the opposite of the intended effect, and instead of being persuaded to buy something, all I want to do is leave the market as quickly as possible to escape the constant hounding.
On this occasion, however, one particular trader stood out from the rest. He was selling some very pretty teaspoons, which caught my eye and I went over to have a closer look. I admired the spoons, but decided not to buy them, and so started to walk away. The seller called me back, and began what I thought would be the normal sales pitch in an attempt to get me to buy the teaspoons. But he was different. He was so inoffensive and non-threatening in his approach, and he seemed so genuine, that I was drawn to him and actually stopped and listened to what he had to say, rather than thinking of the quickest way out of the situation.
In the end, I bought the spoons!
The lesson here is that persistence, backed up with the right approach and a positive attitude, will – in many cases - go a long way towards getting you what you want.
Many things have been said and written about the joys and benefits of travelling. As someone who has travelled extensively, I can honestly say I have loved the places I have been to, the experiences I have had and the people I have met – many of whom I am still in contact with. But as wonderful as travelling can be, Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca may well have been right when he said,
"Everywhere is nowhere. When a person spends all his time in foreign travel,
he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends."
As part of my sailing adventure I spent a lot of time in Antibes, France, I met a vast number of people who, like me, were also working as crew in the luxury yachting industry. I was always bumping into people I knew while on shore leave there, but, as lovely as it was to see them, I really began to appreciate the value of lasting friendships, as opposed to the many acquaintances I met on my travels.
At the end of the day, it is those friends with whom you have spent time, been with in times of need, stood by in times of trouble, nurtured and cared for, who will be with you in the long run.
